(via gatekeeper)
Michael: Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom, roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss-ass. Boom, roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom, roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom, roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke. Boom, roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom, roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Whoa, there you are. I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom, roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted. Oscar, you’re gay. Boom, roasted. Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom, roasted.
30 Fun Things To Do When Driving:
Via
1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell “fire, fire!” Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)
Today, I was driving to work when a state trooper rammed into my car from behind, because he was on the cell phone and not paying attention. He gave me a ticket for “Failure to control speed to avoid a crash.” FML
Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, “BINGO, BINGO!”. I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said “Stand up.” The girl was a midget, she was standing up. FML
It Was You by 12 Stones
It was you
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real
I was sick of all the pain
Tired of all the shame that I felt
But you showed me a way
To never have a doubt
And always to believe in myself
Now I see
It was you
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real
[Chorus:]
Now I’m breathing for the first time
And I’m leaving, all this behind
I’ve become, what I am because of you
It was you
I’m so sorry ‘bout the ways
But I can’t take away my past
But you love me anyway
And now I wanna do
Everything for you that I can
Even though it won’t erase
The foolish things that I’ve done
Things that blinded me
But now I see
It was you
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real
Now I’m breathing for the first time
And I’m leaving, all this behind
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real
So how can I make this up to you
I’ll fight and I’ll push and I’ll strive
Now that I’m living my life for you
I’ll fight and I’ll push and I’ll strive
Can’t you see?
It was you
That showed me who I am
And taught me how to stand
For what I know is real
Now I’m breathing for the first time
And I’m leaving, all this behind
I’ve become, what I am because of you
It was you
I can see the writing on the wall
As time begins to crawl away from me
And I’ve become what I am
Because of you
It was you
